Scott's Personal Journey

The Idols beginings

2011-03-06T13:27:00.000-08:00

This morning I was blessed to sit in our Sunday School class as we discussed the need for spiritual renewal in the context of idolatry. The fact remains for me that I have a great number of idol and unfortunately the things that are dearest to me tend to top the list. My wife, children, work, and the praise of men are just a few that I name that I know come from my lack of trusting int he Lord and seeing his goodness to me. I also know that I waver from seeing these as blessings of my heart instead of things that I crave, love, and worship besides God that I am perplexed at times of how to change my heart.

However the greatest idol in my life has been for the last twenty years food. And although my attempts to deal with this have been fleeting at best, I am more and more becoming aware of the 'Why" this idol has such a stronghold on my heart, my life, and ultimately makes me run to it over and over again for something that just doesn't satisfy. This morning the statement was made the our idols make us, "Trust them, love them, and obey them," three things that are very true about all the idols in my life but especially food. First trust. Food tend to tell me that if you come to me, I will make you better. I will quench your need and fill your stomach whether you are actually hungry or not. I will meet that felt needs that burns inside of you whether in delight or in sorrow and I will bring you peace and comfort if even for a moment. Sometimes in the ripple of the day the moment of peace is more pleasurable than lasting joy and comfort because I am so far removed from the Creator that I think, "All I have is the idol." This is why I trust it so and this is why I return.

The second- Love. The Idol of food is something that I truly do love. I love the taste of all my favorite foods and pleasures that God has given us in this world. But do you ever notice how there is no better bite that the first? Even while we eat the pleasure fades from it grandeur and falls away leaving us either temporarily satisfied or longing for more at the end. It tells me, I will love you back, when words of people are not enough and the things that are said about you hurt or leave you limping, I will not let you down. I will even if I am not as good as you desired, I will still fill you. I will always be here. I wonder if I wasn't raised in the American fast food culture if I would struggle with this so deeply? Access to food has always been such an escape for me to run to when I never knew why I was upset, food did not let me down. When family and friends were not there, food was. And I have loved it for being there.

Third- Obey- the fact that food asks me to obey it makes me even more upset cause right now I do not know how I can enjoy food. I know it will taste good when I partake in it, but I do no know how to let it not make me do what it says to do. I can not stop by my own will when I being to eat and my body is no longer trustworthy of telling me when I am full. I do not know what source I can think that is the greatest participant in ones own demise. I am my worst enemy. I obey food when it calls, when it comes to offer, and when it says to do whatever. And I obey. I do whatever it says.

I am still not sure of what to do with all of these thoughts regarding my idols but this much is true. I am more in touch with the depth of my idolatry and sin in my heart than I have ever been before. And this at least keeps me clear that that where I am and where I have to go from here is still one step closer to seeing God change my heart and draw me closer to him, there very thing that my idols try to prevent me from.

THe first day of the year

2011-01-01T22:15:00.000-08:00

Well, like most people new beginnings seem to remind us of what we want, but all to often what we WON't do to get it. I am the perfect example of that. I have stated that I wanted to lose weight over really the last year and a half. During the two summer months while I was off os school, I lost almost 30 pounds and was pumped. But now as the new year starts and the first semester of school ends, I am 4 pounds away from where I was before the summer weight loss. So as I sit up late tonight, actually its rolled in the 2nd now) I think about all kinds fo things that really seem to overwhelm me. I feel like I struggle with two major issues and they both involve managing m life. Money and food. The irony is if I didn't spend money on food I probably wouldn't have either as a problem!!! Not really but I am sure a dinner at 5 guys probably isn't on any weight loss plan out there. In my head I think a lot of weird stuff sometimes like if I have indigestion, I think it may be a heart attack or if I feel some weird pain, I know much of it is due to my weight. My wife God love her, has tried everything for direct to subtle to even having friends talking about it to me. But I still seem to struggle year in with the same two issues. I am discouraged about both and want to trust the Lord in walking forward so that He can be glorified in my life with both circumstances. But I have little faith. Please pray for me as I seek once again to apply goals and principles to my life to lose weight, manage our money, and serve the Lord and others for their sake and not my own. I would love comments but honestly I am not sure I see the light yet.

It never ceases to amaze me...

2010-10-11T03:54:00.001-07:00

how little I can do to not only trust the Lord with my life, but then to live a life of obedience to the things that I have been made aware of and convicted by. I was telling Annie about a verse in Philippians that I was taking out of context but that did remind me that my stomach (or eating) was my idol, and she just said, "But you knew that." Why is it that things we have known or seen or heard so frequently fall off of our own radar but when we remember them again, its like the first time we have ever heard that. I have not been exercising or eating great since school started back and I am slowly gaining all the weight back that I lost this summer. It's hard for me to be something I am not, but whats worse its hard to live a way that I really do not desire either. I want the outcome but not the work. I want to product but not the process. And living healthy is not he only thing in my life that I fall into this pattern with. Even as I type this, I am forsaking my time with the Lord which will be much briefer sine I spent more time looking at the Internet this morning. My laziness, lack or discipline and self control is always bringing me and my family to places we have no desire to go. I do not want to remain here, but this is where I am.

Back to Posting Hopefully

2010-08-12T02:11:00.000-07:00

Well I woke up this moring overwhelmed with all the things that are on my plate this week and the funny thin was that I had a text on my phone number I didn't recognize stating " you need God" That simple message from a stranger is so true. I try to flesh out my life's hurdles with time and energy all too often leaving the Lord of all creation on th esideline of my mind adn heart never asking for His help to do everything. Oh I know, He does way more thatn I see or give Him credit for, but it woud make more sense to run to the one who controls all things then to pretend that I actually have some control out here. I will post more about my weightloss when I am more awake and have more time, but for now...please pray for me as school begins with a mass of other things on my plate.
Thanks,
Scott

10 miles

2010-03-14T04:34:00.001-07:00

Today I completed (not ran) 10 miles. My first four were in the morning at Annalee's school. She had a 5K and then a 1 mile fun run so that gave me only 6 to go. That afternoon I did a 6 mile lap from our house down by the park and back up Old Shell. It brought back a ton of memories for me cause I did part of the course of the marathon we did 3 years ago. I remembered how tired and hurting I was and was only at 18 miles. I also realized since I was only at mile 3 of this 6, i should shut up and keep going. I did it alone, so I had plenty of time to think. My mind wandered on so many things, from what makes people throw trash out their windows to I wonder if someone hit me how bad it would hurt? I also looked at the beautiful trees 9i don't know what they are) that bloom with such great white flowers and look so amazing and thought about how this. If God is called our tree of life then the roots and branches that come forth from the ground burst open at the top in an outward display of joy and evidence of the growth and strength that comes from below or inside. When I think about the fruit of my life, I want it to be like those trees, where God's love for me is blossomed into an amazing display of his glory and that there is an outward appearance of all that he is and what he wants! I think its sad when Christians choose not to serve the lover and giver of life. I know there are always excuses that sound good in your head and out loud but we do not serve a God of excuses but of sacrifice! I hope I can learn to live more sacrificially in so many ways!

13.1 Miles

2010-03-06T15:35:00.000-08:00

Well in my continued plight to lose weight, my friend Matt and I have started training for a half marathon. I have gained a few pounds and am still having issues with food as an idol. But today we did a leg of 8 miles which shockingly wasn't too hard, but it was tough afterwards. I have also pulled a ligament in my hip which has made me have constant pain especially when I sleep. Anyway, if I were to start giving you excuses about what I have been doing, or how busy I have been I know it would be an attempt to cover up the truth. The truth is I love crappy food and I don't love exercising. Both of these things need to change to some degree. Well that's all for now. I'll try to get back on track with blogging but realize if you haven't heard from me I am struggling! Please feel free to ask me at any time about this because the more accountability and burden barring others are willing to do, the more it stands before me as a daily issue. So thanks!

Long time no blog...must mean I'm getting fatter!

2010-01-11T03:33:00.000-08:00

Well not really, but I am not on the track that I had planned. I am down to a loss of 20 pounds and I feel like I have accomplished nothing. I am regrouping and back on the heavy routine this week, but the weather has made it quite difficult to exercise outside and at times leaving and going to the gym is...well I am still lazy at times. (I know your shocked) Anyway, I need to make another big plunge to launch and lose the next 20. I appreciate suggestions and encouragement...so comment will ya, it really does help! My wife running a half marathon may have helped push me too!

Crap

2009-12-14T03:32:00.000-08:00

So its looks like I gained another 2 pounds back this week. I am not shocked, based on things I didn't do. The rain porevented exercise alot, but as far as food I really didn't do too bad until the weekend. Date night with dinner and marble slab (we should have shared) breakfast at Chickfial with Davis, and popcorn with the girls. I'm not as discouraged as I was a caouple weeks ago because I got quality time with the 4 most important people to me. I still have to learn how not to involve food with everything and that has been a challenge. Also, I am kinda getting tired of dieting. I keep telling myself my granola bars are like candy bars but that has worn off a bit. Also, Chrsitmas coming and Annalee's birthday right around the corner have some food challenges ahead. So, pray for endurance people cause right now...it's hard to want to not eat whatever I want. On a positive note, I had to buy a new belt because the other one would no longer hold my pants up. It's very clear that mjen over 30 should not attempt the sag (you know if you try) but I was encouraged by that fact.

Back on top

2009-12-07T03:49:00.000-08:00

Well this past week was pretty uneventful until the weekend. As most of you know I am a big Florida fan and knew Saturday would be filled with temptations to eat whether we won and I needed victory food or if we lost and I need comforting food. As it turns out I would have needed a great deal of comfort based on the but kickin' Florida got. Anyway, to make the situation removed and take temptation away I decided to fast and pray when I was tempted to eat. God was so good to me in this because lets face it...some buffalo dip and chicken wings would have made me feel better. But only for a little while. My heart and body are really starting to see food differently. Last night at evening of prayer, I said no to dessert and didn't feel the urge to clean my son's plate of his pizza he didn't eat. The result this morning 222.2 and am back on track for weight loss on my 2.5 pounds a week. That means so far I have 16.3 pounds. Last night my friend Matt (Spivey) said man your losing weight. I was proud but really I should have said, no God's just helping to make me thin. I really do feel the Lord's hand in my body. In closing, I wanted to respond to a few things. Hope, my next reward is a CD and I have an afternoon at the movies next so thanks for the encouragement. Also, when I lose 50 pounds I am getting a Wii! Temptation still rises so keep praying for me and asking me how I am doing and if you see me about to eat something that hinders my cause...feel free to tackle me.
Scott Parks

A little discouragiing

2009-11-30T03:40:00.000-08:00

Last week my mom was in town so I couldn't get up and write about my half pound loss which was a little frustrating but understandable. The past week was my birthday and apparently I was more loved this year because of the number of cakes I received..the enemy knows how to tempt! Well as I mentioned above this week my mom was in town for thanksgiving and really I just didn't eat well. I tried to exercise more to compensate for the crazy schedule but it did not work. I gained 2 pounds back this morning and although I was a little discouraged, I know it was my fault. I ate a good bit on thanksgiving, went to a football game and ate junk, and we ate out several times during the week and it just wasn't' good for me at all. On a different note, my pants feel loser and I still feel like I have lost weight. One of my friends sent me this weight loss tracker that has places where you reward yourself for weight loss with non food related items. MY problem is I keep thinking of restaurants to go to or really expensive things to add to my list. So I need some help! If you have any ideas about what things you may want to suggest that our cheep non edible foods then I would love some ideas. Well, I have three weeks before Christmas holidays and parties are starting to line up. Pray for this season of stress, food, and events that will tempt me as well as that this week I can get back down tot he losing that I started.

Weigh In Day and the Electronic Scale

2009-11-16T03:44:00.000-08:00

Week 4 Day 1
This morning I woke up ready to weigh in after three weeks of dieting. I have been weighing myself each Monday morning to see what I truly lost since I have more liberty on the weekends. So I got up and got ready to get on the scale.My original weight was 338.5 so my goal was 328.5. The first time on the scale it said 330.4. After getting back on the scale it read 327.8. Now I thought for a moment, if I could just get off and on the scale and lose weight like this this will be easy! So i tired 2 more times getting 328 and 328.8. So I went with 328 not giving myself the lowest number but certainly not the highest either. Which means over the last 3 weeks I have lost 10.5 pounds. I don't really feel the lose completely but I know with consistency, effort, and prayer this is only the beginning. I really want to honor the Lord for His service with my body. I feel this can be done with a healthier me and that keeps me motivated throughout this process. So Keep praying and thanks for the encouragement.
Scott Parks

The quest

2009-11-15T04:06:00.001-08:00

For most of my life I have been overweight. It has created a great deal of problems from self value to sin that has so easily entangled. I have been made fun of and loved for my size. I have used it usefully in sports and been hindered by it in life. I have made several failed attempts to lose weight but never succeeded due to lack of care, initiative, and overall laziness. I have been criticized by those who love me and mocked by strangers. Close friends have never said a word but accepted me for who I am. But the reality of all of this is I am a slave. I have been a salve to food for a very long time. From my parents divorce and grandfather's death, I have used food as a crutch to hold onto when things were going bad as well as when things have been going good. It has crippled my walk with the Lord because the blessing of food has never been something I could hold onto because I made it my biggest idol. I have fought these words for along time and only now despite knowing this for quite sometime am ready to repent of my sin and turn to the only one who can save me from this sin. I know this will not be easy for me and am seeking great accountability to accomplish this goal. My goal is to lose 100 pounds by May of 2010. The great news is I have already lost 7 that I know of and maybe more when I weigh in on Monday. I started this blog for me to write my feelings and emotions down to document my personal struggle so I could see the Lord's faithfulness throughout this season. It is good to have a loving Father who loves you as you are, but I can not serve my loving Father the greatest remaining how I am! Please pray:
1. That I would be faithful with the little things. (refraining, restraining, and not getting second helpings!)
2. For a clear understanding of why I do what I do around food.
3. That I would pray when I feel temptation and God would provide the way out like he promises!
4. That in the process, I would not quit!

Thanks for being a part of this journey with me.
Scott Parks